Musings From My Mat

(January 29, 2011)

I write from the skies above Utah, on the first leg of my 10-hour journey home. Lori and I spent the weekend in Salt Lake City to take a couple of classes with our teacher, Baron Baptiste. Yes, you heard right—5 flights and over 10 hours in the air to get to the other side of the country for 2 yoga classes. I know how it looks, but I’ll ask that you hold your comments on my sanity. This shit has changed my life…

Earlier today, in a 90º room with sweat pouring all over my mat and mascara smudged all the way to my toes, I sustained flip dog for 5+ minutes that felt like a lifetime. I was exhausted, my wrist was shaky and I wanted OUT, but I did it anyway. And I kind of loved it.

I don’t share this to impress you with my badassness. (If you had seen me in this moment, “badass” likely would NOT have been the first word to come to mind.) My point is this—Why did I do that? And what’s more, why did I love every breath? Was is because the man at the front of the room sporting the bandana is a little scary? (Possibly.) Because I spent my “Buy a New Car Fund” on that juicy flip dog? (Maybe, but probably not.) To impress the guy with the “interesting” tattoos on the mat in front of me? (Umm…NO.)

As I continued to ponder the questions of why and how, I couldn’t quite put my finger on an answer. One thing, however, was clear. I show up for myself on a different level when Baron is leading the practice. He elicits the FIRE in me. What is it about him? He’s just a guy. How does he do this?

Back in downward facing dog, I came face to face with what I believe to be the “answer” for which I was searching. As sweat continued to drip (okay, pour) from the tip of my nose onto the mat below, I fixed my gaze on the puddle that I had created. In that pool of sweat, I saw a reflection of myself. My mat had literally become my mirror, and there was a tiny Christy gazing back at me. In that moment, it occurred to me that perhaps it’s less about the bandana-clad man and more about me. I’ve got tons of respect for my teacher and I mean no offense, but maybe it was something within me. Could it be that I’m stronger than I think I am?! I’ve got everything I need within me?! I get to choose?! Yes! And the big "ah-ha" is that I can choose to show up for myself this way each and every time I roll out my mat.

Whoa. Like really. WHOA! (That’s an unofficial Baron-ism.)

So…what happens for you in the tough poses, the uncomfortable moments, when you know you simply have nothing left to offer? What lights your FIRE? Remember that you’re already strong enough. Dig deep. Show up for yourself in a big way.

Anything is possible,
C